A LETTER TO MY GREAT GRANDDAUGHTER
April 2020
Dear Charlotte,
I’m writing to you on the occasion of your second birthday. I will ask your parents to give this to you when you are in your early teens and are beginning to show an interest in boys.
Your first two years of life have been wonderful, and you show all the signs of developing into an exceptional and wonderful human being. I may not be around much longer (I am 91 now) to be part of your developing life, and for that, I am truly sorry.
I have learned lots of things over the years about people and about relationships, and I want to pass on to you some of these observations.
There are problems about being a wonderful and exceptional person. One of the most troublesome is this: Exceptional girls often have a strange attraction to guys who have more than their share of problems -- especially if the girl is an elder sister of brothers or is an only child. Such girls tend to become very nurturing in their approach to other people, especially if they – like you -- have an especially nurturing mother. They often choose careers that embody nurturing, such as doctor, nurse, minister, teacher, beautician, office manager or so forth.
The problems these guys have seem to trigger the girl’s nurturing instincts, and she thinks she can cure him. “All he needs is the love of someone like me. If I love him enough, he will outgrow all his problems.” And of course, these troubled guys have a unique gift for making other people feel responsible for them.
The problems these young men display are quite varied and include some of the following:
. . . They don’t take education seriously, either doing poorly in school or dropping out altogether;
. . . They hang out with other losers, and they and/or their friends are often in trouble with the law;
. . . Nothing is ever their fault;
. . . They like to act tough, bullying other kids and thumbing their noses at such things as loyalty, honesty and common courtesy;
. . . If they work at all, it is in some low-paying dead end job;
. . . They tend to drive recklessly;
. . . They tend to abuse tobacco, alcohol and/or drugs;
. . . And of course, they are indifferent to the well-being of a partner.
Many girls think these characteristics are cute, and it is very easy to get hooked. The girls tend to make excuses for these guys. Sometimes they think the guy will change. And on rare occasions, someone might.. But characterological change is very difficult, and rarely happens without significant help, such as a serious religious commitment, or Alcoholics Anonymous or a professional therapist.
Often a guy will tell his girl, “I’ll change, don’t you trust me?” Charlotte, please take me seriously when I say this: “You can always trust people! You can always trust people to keep on being the way they have been!” If a guy tells his girl, “I’ll never hit you again.” She can trust him to say those exact same words again the next time he hits her. What you need to base your decisions on is that people keep on being the way they have been!
I wrote a paper once on the art of saying NO. The gist of it was that you never need to explain your decision to say NO. You don’t owe anybody your explanations any more than you owe them your behavior. It is nice if you say NO gracefully, like, “No, I’m not comfortable with that.” or something like that. But the right to say NO is always yours! You never have to justify your NO to anybody, especially to someone who doesn’t really have your best interests at heart. If a guy won’t accept your NO gracefully, he is disrespecting you, and you don’t need somebody like that in your life.
I think you have a wonderful future ahead of you, and maybe these thoughts will help avoid some rough spots. You have already brought much joy and delight to Granny and me, and we love you very much.