VISITING FRIENDS IN HOSPITAL

When friends and loved ones are in hospital, we earnestly want to help make things better for them.

Sometimes we send a gift – such as a card, or flowers, or food. Sometimes we telephone or visit.

When visiting, several principles are relevant: 

First, we want to be a source of energy, not a drain.

Many years ago, I was seriously ill. I did not want anyone other than my wife to visit. I would have had to look at them, listen to what they said, speak to them, pretend I appreciated their visit, and so forth. I didn’t have the energy for any of that. My wife would simply sit by my bed, hold my hand and stroke my arm while softly talking about ongoing family happenings. She didn’t expect me to respond. In that way, she was the source of energy.

It is our presence that is important, not our great wisdom or even our compassion. Our presence says, “You are important to me; I care for you.” Anything else is superfluous.

Short visits are usually best. We should talk in a way that does not call for a response, such as keeping questions to an absolute minimum.

Now I know that not everybody is like me (thank goodness!). Some people welcome visitors, and find them energizing, especially in the early stages of an illness. But I think such persons are a minority, so unless you know otherwise, it is best to monitor your visits carefully to make sure you are not consuming any of the patient’s very limited energy.

It is especially important to understand that when a patient is asleep, unconscious, or even fully sedated, the sense of hearing is still active. Whatever we say in his/her presence will be heard and registered!

For instance: during one surgery, the surgeon made a derogatory comment about the patient’s weight. Although fully sedated, the patient reacted -- her pulse quickened. 

In a research project, certain patients, while in a hypnotic state after major surgery, reported verbatim conversations made during the surgery!

I had a dear friend who died slowly in Hospice care. I wrote him early on to say that I knew his energy was limited. If he wished to call, I would welcome that, but that I would not call him.  An incoming call is inevitably intrusive, and consumes a bit of one’s very limited energy. Instead, I wrote him every week or so – short chatty letters that did not call for a response, but simply conveyed the message, “I am thinking of you. I care for you.”