OUR OBSESSION WITH STATUS
A professor at Georgetown University has written extensively about how men and women communicate differently.
Dr. Deborah Tannen calls herself a linguistic anthropologist. She listens to people talk, and looks for underlying principles. I found her work fascinating, readable and helpful. I heartily recommend two books: “That’s Not What I Meant” and “You Just Don’t Understand.”
Her basic thesis is that when women communicate, they are negotiating a network of connectedness. When we men communicate, we are basically jockeying for status.
Traditionally, the husband’s responsibility vis a vie the family has been to interface with the outside world. And for this, a concern for status is certainly appropriate. The wife’s job has been to nurture the inner workings of the family, and this involves a concern for connectedness.
I have an inside track on the male thing, so I can talk about it with some integrity. Take joke-telling for instance. You tell me a joke. With half my mind, I listen (especially if it is any good, because I will then tell it later to my friends), with the other half, I am trying to think of a better joke to tell you.
I once knew a famous faith healer, who went all over the country performing “miracles” of healing. He made a big point of always giving all the glory to God! In other words, he wanted people to think of him as humble. Actually, when I think of how this person related to other people, humility is not high among the characteristics that come to my mind.
I see it in myself in many ways. Even writing an essay like this is to some extent a plea for recognition.
Status appears in many guises: we men will do almost anything to avoid losing face, or as it is said nowadays, to avoid being dissed. Money, power, influence, prestige, respect; are variations of the theme.
We sometimes even think of God in terms of status. Throughout history, you will find a tension in the church between Power and Love as the dominant features in the nature of God. Sometimes, people think I is necessary to begin a prayer with a kind of flattery, appealing to God’s “need” for status.
I used to think that it might be possible for us men to overcome this obsession with status. I no longer think that. Even the wish to be status-free is an expression of status. I think all we can do is to take ourselves more lightly, and to find status in worthwhile things rather than in ways that hurt other people.