DE-FUSING POWER STRUGGLES
When my grandchildren were small, I would usually end my visits by telling them a bed-time story. One evening, I went to the bedroom and sat in the rocking chair. Lora, who was about six walked into the room, turned off the light ang climbed into my lap. A moment or two later, four-year-old Geri walked in, saw that the room was dark, and turned the light on and then off again.
At this, Lora gave a kind of angry, protesting cry, got up, ran to the light switch to turn it on and then off again.
Then Geri protested!
I assumed this was a regular conflict about who would get the final turn at the light switch. So I said excitedly, “Oh, what an interesting game! One of you turns the light on and the other cries. Now Geri, it’s your turn. You turn the light on and off, and Lora, you cry!”
Geri took her turn at the light switch, and Lora gave a kind of half-heated cry, which I gently chided, telling her she could cry better than that. She tried again, but her heart was not in it.
Then I said, “Now Lora, it’s your turn. You turn the light on and off, and Geri, you cry.” By this time, it was no longer a contest, but a game. Lora seemed a bit tickled as she turned the switch on and off again. Geri laughingly tried to whimper.
I then said, “Now Geri, I wonder if you would like to take your turn by siting in Grandaddy’s lap and let me tell you a story. She thought that was an excellent way to take her turn, as did Lora. And the conflict over the light switch was resolved without anyone losing face.
I have often told parents that if anyone has to lose face, it should be the parents, not the child. Adults have more “face” to lose than kids do. Even when correcting a child, a parent can say something like, “I didn’t make it clear enough. I’m sorry.”
Think of the wonderful example set by Jesus when a group of his enemies tried to get the better of him by humiliating a woman in his presence (John 12). Not only he not join them in humiliating this woman, he even gave them a face-saving way to withdraw.