AN ADOLESCENT DILEMMA
Billy is probably my friend Kevin’s favorite grandson -- bright, playful and charming. But Billy is also flunking out of school. He just doesn’t bother with such mundane stuff as homework or studying.
His parents are both high achievers: Mom is a doctor and Dad teaches in the local university. They are active in their liberal church, and in local political organizations, and are totally frustrated about their inability to get their son to take his education seriously. They have tried everything they can think of, including therapy for Billy and family therapy for the three of them (Billy’s older sister is a nurse, and no longer lives at home).
After Mom talked with her father about her concerns, Kevin thought a letter to Billy might help.
Dear Billy,
I was talking with your Mom recently, and she told me about some of your latest shenanigans that are driving your parents bananas. So I thought I might add some of my thoughts to the drama.
One of the fundamental challenges of a boy’s teen-age years is how to thumb your nose at your parents’ values without messing up your own life in the process!
A lot of kids try stuff like flunking out of school. That usually gets the parents’ attention, and makes them feel absolutely helpless – especially if they like to think of themselves as big shots.
Other kids may try smoking. That is especially effective if one of the parents is health nut, like a doctor or something. If smoking doesn’t horrify the parents enough, the kids may turn to alcohol and/or drugs. The problem with these things is that they are so obvious, showing an appalling lack of creativity. Not only that, but they also mess up your own life in the process.
A more elegant procedure – one that would do justice to someone as uniquely gifted as you are – is to find some way to horrify your parents without compromising your own future.
One possibility, since your parents both love music, is to cultivate an interest in really gross, vulgar music, and play it loudly in your bedroom, especially when your parents are entertaining important guests from their church.
Something else might reinforce that – tattoos! Not the permanent kind, of course. Those can be a real liability later in life. But there lots of really gross tattoos that you can purchase inexpensively to wear on the back of your hands or on your forehead for a while, before washing them off. They could be especially effective at church or when you parents are entertaining.
If you really want to convince them that you are hopeless, you should attack their religion and their politics. Not direct attacks of course. Indirect attacks are always more effective. First, you should join some fundamentalist church – one whose pastor has his own TV show where he rants and raves about liberals. You, of course, should insist on watching these shows regularly, at maximum volume! You could also “witness” to your parents, pointing out all the ways they are not REAL Christians.
You could also join the Republican party and campaign actively for its candidates. Be sure to insist on campaign posters in the car and in your front yard.
I hope you find these ideas useful. But please do not show this somewhat subversive letter to your parents. I will certainly not tell them what I have written, although they will have seen the envelope and know that I have written something. If you would ever like to talk or write, please feel free to do so.
Love,
Your Goofball Grandfather
Billy’s mother later told Kevin that when she asked about the letter, Billy smiled and said, “Oh, just typical Granddaddy.”
Billy never mentioned the letter to Kevin, and who knows if it made any difference. But he did graduate from high school and is now attending a well-known university.